The Case of Misato Katsuragi
Author: Michael Wignall
Source: MDWigs' Musings
Note: Taken from an AnimeBoards post of mine: See This Post.
Lets go over the Case of Misato Katsuragi step by step shall we. From the ADV script (becuase this last bit in the literal translation sounds a bit off). I did this for Asuka a while ago, though I have lost my copy of that unfortunately. It is about time I do it for Misato. I'll interspace my comments with "//"
MISATO: Where am I?
The Case of Misato Katsuragi, Part 1
SHINJI: This is the 'me' that exists in your mind, Misato.
MISATO: And yet at the same time, this is also the 'me' which exists in your mind, isn't it Shinji?
SHINJI: In order to establish my identity, I have to communicate with the minds of many people. I have to examine that which is at my core. I have to stare at Misato, who resides on the inside of my mind. What is it that you wish for, Misato?
// Ok this is pretty straight forward. Bascially just explaining a step in Instrumentality. This is Misato in Shinji's mind, and Shinji in Misato's mind. This is thier thoughts intermingling.
Do you want to be good?
Y.MISATO: I have to be a good child.
Y.MISATO: Because I have no Daddy; because I have to be good and not bother my Mommy. But I don't want to become like my mom; when my father's not here, she always cries. I can't cry, I can't depend on anyone else. So I have to be good! That way, maybe my father won't hate me so much. I hope. Maybe my father won't hate me if I be good.
MISATO: But I hated my father... and I hated being a good child. I hated it... I'm tired of it, I'm tired of wiping myself clean. I'm tired of pretending to be pure and noble. I'm so tired of it all! I want to disgrace myself, to get so dirty that no one can stand it! I want to see my life and my reputation ruined!
// She wants to be good, she wants her fathers praise, she wants to be loved by him, yet at the same time she hates him, she hates what he did to her mother, and she hates maintaining this "good" charade.
RITSUKO: Is that why you slept with him? With Kaji?
MISATO: No! I slept with him because I loved him!
Y.MISATO: You did?
Y.MISATO: Did you really love him?
MISATO: Yes I did! He accepted me as myself, for the real me!
Are you sure?
// She isn't sure. He may have accepted her, but in part her actions were based on her wanting to disgrace herself. She believed she loved him, yet she ending up running away from him.
MISATO: That's why I let him make love to me!
(Misato and Kaji having sex, while Shinji watches)
MISATO: No! Don't show Shinji this! I don't want him to see that side of me--!
KAJI: Why are you still embarrassed after all that's happened?
MISATO: Because I'm ashamed of it!
MISATO: Why is this embarrassing? You weren't ashamed then; you were glad to show your true nature to the man you loved. In fact, you took great pleasure in it...
MISATO: No! Don't do this!
MISATO: You wanted to dirty yourself. You should be happy to show this side of yourself to Shinji, shouldn't you?
MISATO: No! No, no!
MISATO: Are you sure? Or is it perhaps your father that you'd like to show this to?
MISATO: Wasn't it really peace of mind that you were seeking in Kaji's bed?
MISATO: You wanted peace of mind and warmth from Kaji, then?
MISATO: You wanted to find your father in Kaji's embrace, didn't you!
MISATO: IT'S NOT TRUE!!!
MISATO: But it is true. In Kaji, I'd found my father reborn. And so I fled from him; I was so afraid. He was so much like my father. But at the same time, I was also very happy. I was never happier! That was such a wonderful time... That's why I hated it. That's why I left. ...That's why I ran away.
// Misato pretty much answers her own question, which is one of the things I loved about the original ending. It asked questions but it gave answers. It allowed us to look directly into what Misato was thinking and to get definate reasons behind her actions. She wanted to find her father in Kaji's embrace. She was happy, Kaji accepted her for who she was, yet at the same time he was very much like her father. She had already seen the result her father had on her mother, and she was afraid, he and abandoned her, and she thought Kaji would do the same, so in the end she ran away.
KAJI: So. No reason was required to begin our love, but you needed a reason for ending it.
MISATO: Yes. You were so kind, Kaji... You were so kind to disgrace me... To dirty me... to deflower me...
KAJI: Just because you hate yourself is no reason to injure yourself further. Punishing yourself is simply a cheat, to make you feel better for a little while. Don't do this to yourself.
MISATO: And now you'll tell me to take care of myself?!
MISATO: Men always do that. They'll escape to their jobs... their own world... and leave me behind. They always leave me behind!
Y.MISATO: Always. Just like our father did.
// She was hurt by her father. She saw her father in Kaji. She liked that about him, but at the same time was afraid. Like all the characters she had a fundamental fear of being alone.
MISATO: They always escape from the harsh reality. Harsh reality... I am his harsh reality. ...Of course, I have a problem.
// "I am his harsh reality", love that line. It rings so true ^_^
SHINJI: Stop this! Misato...
MISATO: Why should anyone else love me, anyway?! I hate myself!!
// Here actually if you watch the footage it alludes to when Misato goes into Shinji's bedroom in Episode 23. In that scene it seems (according to a couple of different sources) that Misato really was trying to sleep with Shinji. She didn't want to be alone and thus turned to Shinji for companionship (Kaji was dead by this point).
MAYA: You're vulgar, and impure.
RITSUKO: You're pathetic.
ASUKA: You're gross and disgusting! I've never seen anyone in such a disgusting relationship!
HYUGA: Congratulations, on your promotion, Major Katsuragi.
MISATO: The 'me' who is recognized is the 'me' who is performing a role in order to be appreciated, but she's not the real 'me'.
Y.MISATO: Your true self is always crying, isn't she?
MISATO: Yes... But I am happy.
Am I happy?
MISATO: I am happy.
Am I happy?
MISATO: It's true, I am happy.
Am I happy?
MISATO: I'm not! This isn't the happiness I wanted!
What is happiness?
MISATO: This isn't me, it is not the true 'myself'! I just don't want to face the harsh reality!!
SHINJI: But we have to. We cannot live otherwise.
SHINJI: You know you'd be alone and afraid...
RITSUKO: If nobody was sleeping next to you.
ASUKA: Are you afraid of sleeping alone?
MAYA: Or does sleeping by yourself remind you of how empty your life is?
KAJI: She can't stand not having other souls around her.
HYUGA: So, you'll sleep with anyone, won't you, Major?
MISATO: Yes, you just want to be infatuated with primal ecstasy. You want to fill the hole in your heart with temporary escape. You take advantage of men, to soothe the pain in your soul.
// Again a question is posed and Misato answers it herself. She trys to find ways to keep her life from being empty. She loved Kaji, she spent a whole week sleeping with him. This is her way of escaping. It is another form of running away, Shinji shy's from human contact, Asuka imposes herself on everyone, Misato both wants to be a "good child" and yet as Ritsuko commented at the end of Episode 20, she runs off to Kaji the night after Shinji is "returned".
MISATO: No, no, no!!
What does she really wish?
// So what does Misato really wish? She wants what we all want, not to be alone. She doesn't want to be ignored. She wants to be happy. I think if you read through what is actually said it is quite clear what Misato's problems are. Of course they mirror Anno's problems, in fact that mirror problems we probably all have had at some point in our lives. I think that is one thing that makes Eva so good. It is real.